Worry.

There are certain personality traits I possess that I often wish I could change, to reverse, or possibly just get rid of completely. I realize I am not unique in having this feeling, but sometimes it can be a very lonely sensation. When something is so ingrained in me, to the point where it no longer feels like something that I behold, but rather that I am contained within, it can be a desperate experience to attempt escape from the very personality that makes me who I am.

I am a worrier. I worry about absolutely everything. I worry about the little details in day-to-day life (is the front door locked? did I turn off the stove? did I set my alarm? is the cat getting a cold? am I sure the front door is locked? what order should I do my homework assignments in tonight? how much sleep can I get in tonight? what do I have to remember to do when I get into work tomorrow? do I need to stop for gas on the way to work? should i check the front door again to make sure it is locked? did I remember to feed the cats? wait, what time did I set the alarm for? ... and on and on and on.) I also worry about the bigger things, the less controllable things (will someone I love get in a car accident today? will there ever be enough money so I can stop thinking about money? what if I fail at this attempt to go back to school? what if my car breaks down? what if I lose my job? what if I get sick--really sick? what if I fail at my relationship? what if I never stop worrying?)

Worry is more than just fleating thoughts in my mind. Worry is my constant inner dialogue.

It's easy to say, "Just chill out. Stop worrying so much." People tell me this all the time and I tell myself this even more often. But the fact of the matter is telling myself to stop worrying is like telling someone to stop liking their favorite ice cream flavor or to stop enjoying their favorite song. It may be possible on the surface to act like you no longer like your favorite song, but deep down you can't change the way you feel about something on demand. I can act like I am not worried, sometimes I can even briefly convince myself that I am not actually worried, but it is only an act. Obsessing about the little details--planning and preparing for every possible circumstance--those are pseudo ways to feel slightly more in control of my life. I tell myself over and over again "Don't sweat the small stuff" but to no avail. I only end up feeling guilty for sweating the small stuff, and then worrying more about what is wrong with me that I can't force myself to stop sweating the small stuff. So I accept, over and over again, that worry is part of who I am.

I am so envious of those who don't worry every waking moment. Those who can go-with-the-flow without analyzing to death the possible repercussions. Those who can fall asleep within five minutes of their head hitting the pillow because they aren't kept awake by their own thoughts about the possibility of a fire starting in the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong--I don't look at these people and think their lives are any easier than mine. I realize each human being faces their own unique set of challenges. I do, however, look at these people and think that maybe they enjoy things in their life more than I do. So many times I will be experiencing something that should evoke only pure joy, yet that little voice in my brain will not allow me to really immerse myself fully in the experience. (This roller coaster is thrilling, but what if my seat restraint suddenly snaps? This movie is awesome, but what if I have to pee before the movie ends? This is a great concert, but what if we get stuck in traffic after the show? What a fun night out with my friends, but what if I am too tired to clean the house tomorrow?) I live in constant anticipation of what might be coming next. I'm never fully in the moment despite desperately wishing I could be.

Yes, there are medications for this and I have tried them out before. But how would you like a medication that shuts off the portion of your personality that likes your best friend or the part of your brain that tells you green is your favorite color? You would never want that portion of your personality shut off right? The fact of the matter is, having a portion of your personality eliminated (even a negative one) is a terrible sensation. Nothing fills up that missing part of you. There is just an emptiness there. A piece of myself that is gone. My personal choice is not to give up any part of me. This leaves me to deal with the reality that I will worry. I will worry every day, every hour, every minute (even in my sleep!)

Part of why I love sports so much is because the essence of sports is such a magical mixture of both planning and spontaneity. Players are drafted based on careful analysis, plays are drawn up based on extreme scrutiny of the opposition, back up plans are formed, and predictions of winners are made. But then they play the game. Then they run the race. And all the planning and preparation are tested and either proven right or they go down the drain. We watch hours and hours of analysts discussing the preseason rankings of teams and then the games are played and some team ranked 55th beats the number one seed. We discuss our fantasy football strategy for hours and the top quarterback in the league tears his ACL in the first game of the season. The greatest golfer in history is poised for his best season ever, and then goes down with a bum knee--but before winning a major tournament that everyone says he can't possibly win on a bum knee. What is expected to happen, what is "supposed" to happen, sometimes does happen. But the really compelling stories come about when what was never supposed to happen happens.

I love that about sports. I just wish I could love that about my own life. One of my favorite quotes of all time is, "We make plans, and God laughs." I'm not a very religious person, but the idea of this is so telling of every aspect of life. Planning, preparation, worry--those can only take me so far before reality takes over and does whatever the hell it wants.